I'm Holding out for a Hero...

Well for those that follow my blog, I will give an update as to what is going on in my personal life.

A few years ago I met this guy (online mind you) that I had an interest in. We chatted numerous times, and discussed meeting up to see where things could lead. We never made it to that point, because he usually met someone (in person) and wound up dating them (all LTR).

Well a year ago I finally got to meet him in person (and can I say CUTE!) but alas, he was with his BF. We chatted very briefly, and I never really saw him again, except for an occasional online chat.

Well, a few days before Mardi Gras, I ran into him at the bar. I said hello, and he smiled with his amazing smile, and I just melted. I had to stay and talk to him a few minutes. I figured it was my one chance to do this in person, as he was probably still with the BF.



COME TO FIND OUT, he was now single. The BF now referred to as EXBF going forward, had just walked out on him, no explanation...just left.

I mean WTF what an ass! I felt so bad for my guy (now referred to as Hottie henceforth).

I felt so bad for Hottie, he was crushed about his loss, yet very strong at the same time. He was moving on.

Now, I know what you are thinking... this is not a time for me to move in. I KNOW THIS. I did however look at it, as an opportunity to get to know him. I wanted to be there for him. Something inside me drew me to that conclusion. I wanted to be there for him, at least be a shoulder to lean on.

I made him promise me that he would email the next day, and that we would stay in better contact. Well that night he did e mail me just 2 hours later. We exchanged numbers, and decided that we would indeed liketo hang out, and stay in better contact. This certainly happened. He had to move out of the apartment he was in with the EXBF. So, I said I would come help, after I taught my Saturday morning class, I would be glad to help, and that I did. I met him there with his friend, and we got a lot of his belongings out of the place. He was down about it all, and I could tell. I offered to pay for lunch for all, I wanted him not to worry about anything. Now ok...it was Raising Canes...because it was close enough for us all to walk (and talk)... but it seemed appreciated. We just kept talking about so many things, and I was entranced by Hottie.

He has these gorgeous eyes, and this smile that is to die for, and for 1 time in my life, I felt as important as I felt he was. You guys know Im a huge dork, I cut up and laugh and joke, and he seemed to adore every minute. I felt appreciated. ( My heart races as I type that)

We spent most of that weekend together, and an amazing Valentines Day. The BEST I ever had. I cooked us dinner, and we relaxed and talked for the longest time. I explained I was trying to respect his situation, and that he wasn't ready to jump into anything, but we also BOTH admitted that we both have these strong feelings for each other. We have continued to see each other regularly, except for last weekend, when we made "semi-plans", but I didn't hear from him. I called numerous times, yet no response. I was greatly worried our "confessions" made him pull back a bit.

...BUT, I did get an email explaining he was sorry for being sketchy over the weekend, that he got in a funk, and needed time for himself, that I did nothing and it wasn't my fault... "I adore you" & "I miss you"

Phew!

He started his new job (on top of his classes at UNO... don't worry, he is 24) so he is UBER busy. We have attempted plans of seeing each other, but time has gotten in the way. I did finally see him this past Wednesday evening after he got off work. I was so glad to see him. I do however feel he may be pulling back a bit due to his decision to "not date so soon" despite his feelings for me. WHICH SUCKS!

I understand it, but it still sucks. I find someone I have talked with for YEARS... tried to see what would happen for YEARS...finally meet...and realize there probably is something there.. but I Can't do it because "this asshole I was just dating walked out on me and destroyed my life, so I made a decision not to date."

I'm trying to be a friend, because that is important, but knowing there is more is heartbreaking as well as trying. I care for him so much, and I find myself thinking of him so much. I know it's probably not the best thing for me, but I have valid feelings for Hottie, and I cannot ignore them. I am not the type of person who can wait around and be "the friend" when I have such strong feelings for someone. It kills me. I did it in the past and have been hurt badly. (They met someone and decided to break the rule) I only wind up getting hurt, and hating the person in the process. I do not want that. I have cleared all of that out of my life, nor do I want to be in the position that I could ever hate him. I adore him, and hope that he still does me and wants to move on... TOGETHER.

That's the way it is...