Time to reflect... and move on

2004 was not the greatest year for me as I said before.

It started amazingly. NY Eve into 2004 on the rooftop of The Ritz Carlton Hotel, and minutes before midnight I meet a great looking sweet guy. As I got to know him more, I wanted him to really be a part of my life.

We spent a lot of time together and things were great.

I was able to travel overseas for the first time, and watch my sister get married to a wonderful guy in London. What an amazing experience, and I hope to return there again.

My return to the states, and aforemetioned NY eve guy was still going nicely until Mardi Gras time when I realized I was led on and there was truly no way that we could be together... not even as friends. It was the start of a very big depression for me. ( I know this sounds like nothing, but it was part of a culmination of events, that just went bad).

I stayed home... did not socialize... stared at a computer screen for nights on end and chatted online. I did not want to be around anyone.

I did a few things I am not proud of, and most of this was out of self hate and depression. I found myself searching for answers, becoming very bitter and hateful, but at least I knew the truth about things. I got hurt quite a bit by dishonesty, and it prayed on me. It truly was my lowest point in my life.

I had decided I was going to leave New Orleans. Go anywhere but here. I started my apartment search, called my real estate agent, and started a series of interviews in NYC, none of which worked out.

In the meanwhile, I was asked to become involved in a new carnival parade orginazation, and I dove myself head first into that project. It will eventually happen and I think will be a great opportunity for many people here in the city.

I still had not gone out nor wanted to be around "the community"

I was at such a low point I posted the following post on to the "friendster" bulletin board, and I can tell you it was not easy.




To My "FRIENDS"

After much concideration and deliberation, I have come to the conclusion that I can no longer stay in New Orleans. I have recently been too hurt, lied to and utterly disrepected, that I no longer feel I should be in this city. It is a treatment that I don't expect or deserve.

It pains me at times to be "out" and see particular people, and know the deciept which lies within. I guess maybe I am too honest of a person, and that seems to haunt me. I accept what people tell me, and support them for what it is worth. For those of you who are my friends, and have treated me with that repspect, you are in my thoughts and prayers as I decide how to proceed with the next phase of my life. I had hoped at one point to settle here, and make something of this. I do have a wonderful job, a modest home, and many projects which I have started, and for that I am thankful. I do not know where I will be going, nor when. I feel it is something I need to do very soon.

I am considering going back to NYC, where I can be close to my sister and her new husband. Possibly, Houston/Dallas/Austin (I originally moved back to New Orleans to be near my family, in case of any emergency.) So those 3 are an option. I have even considered LA...and crazy enough London (Which I had the pleasure of experiencing in January). Either way, I hope that I can keep the true friendships that I have, and we will not lose touch.

If you are in any of those loactions, and can offer any help, or advise, it would be greatly appreciated. If I have friends there, it would be a pleasure to re-connect with old friends, and create new ones.

For those of you who know me well, this type of mail is certainly not typical of me to express. It is far beyond what people see of me as the "happy go lucky guy who makes everyone laugh." Unfortuantely... Once you have been kicked to the ground... and while you are down, you keep getting kicked , sometimes you just dont want to get up and I dont want to...at least not in New Orleans.

Anyway, I guess I want to make sure that those of you who I do consider friends...***who would be listed on my friends page*** (those of you who are not have been deleted)... I want you to know why I seem so distant, and why I might just disappear. Just remember we are under the same sky and the same stars, and if you look up we see the same future.


With Love
~Patrick

That post made it halfway around the world, and I got a call from my sister scared to death that I might do something stupid. I assured her I wouldn't and I'd be ok.

A few months later my "guardian angel" Timothy, flew in from Seattle to get me out my house and back into society. He was worried about me and wanted to see me. We went out that weekend and I even went to my first foam party. (IN MY BOXER BREIFS ) I might add. It was funny to get some attention. I didn't feel deserving.

I did venture out every now and then during the rest of the year, but not like I had before. I was ok with it, yet I knew I truly had to get out and socialize. I met a few people and got the same run around as before.

My roomate Rob moved out and Newbie Jacob moved in for about a month.

Then in October I had my fun (see Halloween) and tribulation ( See window drama)

The rest you can read in detail in prior posts.

So what now????

Well...

I am going to make 2005 a better year.

I feel that you reap what you sew.

I let many things get to me in the past 2 years. I guess because I find out the truths in things. But, I will not let anyone else's shortcomings or dishonesty affect me as it has in the past. I was "sewing" hate and pain and dishonesty, even though that was not the energy I was putting forth. I let those characteristics plant themselves and all I did was reap those benefits, which we all know lead nowhere.

I have to give myself more credit. I have never been one to look at myself and think wow NICE.

EVER!

But that is changing...

Im Hot and a Damn Good catch. I have good face and a good body and if no one wants to get to know me and/or be around me that is their loss. Someone will!

And i will not hold on to those feelings of anger and pain when I see some people. I will just kindly excuse myself and cut myself away from a bad situtaion. I have no need for that negativity.

This is my year, and I will make it what I want it to be. I am in a new place physically and emotionally.

Cheers to 2005!