I'm a pretty Girl Mamma.... NOT

Well...

We have started rehearsals for "Pageant" at the theatre. The rest cast is very good at this show, and I honestly feel sort of out of place.

The roles in which they are playing have a great deal of comedy to them. Mine is very straight forward, she is out to win the contest. She doesn't have the comedic facets the other roles have. I can honestly say I am laughing nightly at "Roy's antics" (Bianca... Ms Industrial North East) and Jesse's hysterical Ms West Coast (Dumb Blonde re-living past lives). They are doing an a amazing job, so true to the characters, like a real woman. This includes the other 4 actors in the show. All very good at what they do.

I have to say though, I feel left out. Most of them have been friends prior to this show and do things together socially. I don't feel close to the other cast members. There seems to be a clique of sorts, and I feel like I am peering in from the outside. Even when I converse with most of the others, I feel like I am looked at as an outsider...sort of out on my own, just as Ms. Texas is in the show.

Unfortunately, as many of you know, this is a time when I need that camaraderie, and friendship. It's been tough on me, because I am using this show as an escape from my troubles, yet I don't seem to be escaping anything.

This is a tough show, and to be quite honest, it has been painful. The shoes alone are going to kill me. I leave in great pain nightly. This on top of the lower back trouble this is giving me, has not left me with such a wonderful experience thus far.

Am I having trouble playing a female? Maybe so. I don't think I am pulling off the "feminine side" as well as the others. Maybe its the way the character is written. Maybe I am uncomfortable doing this. I don't know. I have seriously considered quitting a few times. Especially due to the fact I don't really feel like I belong. But I have promised myself to stick to it so far, so that's what I'll do.

It's funny, despite the fact I am surrounded by people, I still feel alone.

Have you ever felt like that?

I dunno...

I guess that's just the way it is...